Grief is a love that has no future

 

 I never really knew the true impact of grief until I lost my Father nearly two years ago. Approaching the age of 50 is an awakening to so many things.

I have loved and lost in my 49 years of life, but my hardest hit was my Dad. I am still at such a crossroads in my own head on how to live my life all the while knowing that the rest of it is without the man who raised me. Who helped me become the woman that I am today.

Crazy thing is, we all know that we are going to lose the ones we love someday or they will lose us first, but it still does not prepare you for the insane emotions that replace all sense of happiness and bright outlooks on the future. Suddenly, life becomes dark and dreary and downright sad.

I have had to navigate these waves of emotions and it has not been easy. I tried traditional and organic methods. Unfortunately, the grief and life change was too overwhelming that I became very ill. So physically ill that I was scared that I was dying. Extreme weight loss, no appetite, relentless anxiety attacks, and total tears on the daily.

Grief is no joke. People say that time heals. I suppose it does(insert shoulder shrug emoji).  I am skeptical. I do not feel healed. What I do feel is a bit of acceptance? Perhaps I have learned how to live my life being receptive to facing hardened truths?  Truths that overshadow what the mind doesn't want to stand up to?  That my Patriarch is invisible from sight but not from mind? Confronting grief everyday by becoming more powerful than it? Or maybe just allowing grief to be a part of who I am. Just another facet of my being.

I do not think that I will fully understand this emotion, because it is cruel. I once heard two great analogies and they hold  true. "Grief is not a weight that gets lighter. It remains heavy, but we just learn how to carry it." Another was, "Grief is a love that has no future." 

         A poem for you, Dad

If I could wish you back, you would already be here

If I could love you one more day I would ask for one more year

Time wasn't on our side, it gave me no warning 

Now all that is left is tears from mourning

One early morning phone call with chilling words that you were gone, having to hang up the phone and wonder how to move on

If only I said I love you one last time

Told you what you meant to me than perhaps I'd feel fine

Undoubtedly so, but it is something I will never know

I hope I make your proud and you are smiling at me

But even more, I hope Heaven is peaceful and you are eternally happy

We have one chance at life and you truly gave it your all

Such a hard worker, husband, father, and friend

your journey is over but your soul has no end

You meant the world to me, I was your baby girl

I know you are telling me to live my life "Give it a whirl"

I am sorry Dad, sorry I did not say bye

That is the hardest part, I cannot deny

I will continue loving you everyday, I will breathe in deep and than will say:

"Be with me today, Dad

I need your strength. Be with me tomorrow and all the days through

Afterall I am who I am because of you."

Thank you Daddy, and P.S. Please take good care of Buster and Maximus for me.