Who would have ever known that being a mother causes a woman to lose nearly every feeling she has ever endured, with such ease, to enter into a new stage of feelings which are all heavily weighed by fear. What I mean by loss of feelings prior to birth is feelings that naturally introduce themselves with ease and without self doubt. For example a new puppy, a new car, a new friend. All feelings of welcome and joy. Not every feeling of happiness ends with a smile. Hearts are made to be broken, and the broken hearts heal with time. These feelings that I identify, are the exact feelings you are exposed to when you get the news that you are pregnant!! Feelings of excitement, anticipation, boy or girl, etc..
When I gave birth to my two beautiful children, my inner strength weakened, and I was introduced to a new friend. This friend? Anxiety. I thought that being a mother came naturally to a female, that it was (is) just in our natural anatomy. Wow, was I wrong. The day I gave birth to my first born, is the day I lost a part of me, and gained a new me, almost 100% a "new me." That fun, outgoing, live dangerously, and carelessly, was overtaken with a new being. A woman who had disbelief in herself, became self-conscious, and was in complete fear of how to live, because it was not just living for me. It was ME taking care of this little person who needed me 24/7, and not being able to communicate with a newborn has its own set of challenges! I took first aid courses, parenting classes, and felt that I would do it all, and do it the "right way." I can now write years later, that there is no "right way", just your own personal way. I mean, do not get me wrong, you must feed the baby every four hours, change the baby six or more times per day, bath the baby, and just hold the baby(those are the "right" things). Suddenly, your life is..well..not your life! There is no alone time to read a book, take a shower, watch a television show, or heck..even go to the bathroom! Somehow, someway, you get through these challenging/scary times and you are now raising a toddler. Where does the time go? You sit back, and rummage through baby pictures with a tear in your eye, and a weakness in your heart. You think back to the many challenges that scared you, and you realize that you made it! Your child is alive, well, and talking back at the age of 6!!! Somehow, life has gotten easier though. Or has it?
Just as you think that the toughest obstacles have been overcome, You are now entering into the school years. The years where they are no longer with you, and you put your trust into a complete stranger. That is not even the worst part of it! I was shocked to meet parents of other children, and learn nearly every living and breathing detail of their lives. Suddenly, I knew I was not alone in my journey, but I also realized that peoples lives, not just mine, are truly a soap opera! Everyday at the bus stop, was a new story, a new fight between the kids, and sometimes even the parents! A bus driver that is so old he is literally knocking over mailboxes! As I live and breath, I tell you that the bus stop is the place to be! The drama, the intensity, insanity, and shear screeches of the neighborhood dog who consistently barks at you while you stand awaiting for your child to step off of the big yellow transportation of school kids! Yes, the kids that scream, yell, fight, throw things, and give you the middle finger while you are sitting at a traffic light directly behind them. The BACKSEAT kids, a.k.a THE BULLIES.
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